My Struggle with Anxiety And Depression

My Struggle With Anxiety And Depression 

I have been fighting this disease for a long time. The worry that people might not understand me; might judge me; might not want to work with me because of my struggles. The fear that I cannot emotionally handle other people who are broken and hurting because i feel so deeply that it cuts me to the core and i want to help them or it breaks me down too. I have been fighting this feeling inside that God has put this suffering of depression and anxiety in me so that I can show others that there can be happiness and hope and LIFE through the pain through the dark days, through the dark thoughts through the tears through the tightness in your chest when you go somewhere new or when you are so worried about what others think that it paralyzes you inside and you just stay home.

I know that pain. I know that fear. I LOVE people and I love having fun but my anxiety keeps me from being who I know I was meant to be. But, this business has pushed me so far outside my comfort zone and forced me to talk to people and engage in life in such a way that i finally feel complete. I love my Beachbody family and they accept me. Not everyone but i found my tribe of people who love me for me. In our network there is training that talks about your niche and who do you want to attract so you can work with those people.

For so long I wanted to attract those who were like me 5 years ago. So broken inside they wanted to die, but then I got tired of dealing with the hopelessness, the lack of belief, the lack of commitment even though I understood what they were dealing with it became too much and I just wanted to deal with more normal people. I let go of my true passion which was helping those who are hurting. Helping the Jennifer's of 5 years ago. The military wives who lost theirselves and their identities. Who became their husbands social security number. Who gave up their careers and lives to follow their husbands and became stay at home moms. They love their kids but have so much resentment inside because they feel lost and trapped. They feel unfulfilled and guilty about how they feel. They want more but don't know how to achieve it. Those are my people. That is my passion! I want to help those women who have given up on their careers and their goals and are crying out to God to help them find a way to bring in extra income to help pay the bills. Not only to help take the pressure of their husbands but to feel like they are giving back financially and making a difference in the world. Those are my people!

I am finally opening up and letting the world in. Letting go of the fear of judgement from others and boldly saying I am broken but I am living now even with my struggles and I am giving back! Most days are fine but simple tasks like making a doctors appointment for my kids makes my chest tighten up and overwhelms me. I tend to push it off and procrastinate which then makes me feel guilty because I know I am neglecting what I should do as a parent. Eventually I do what needs to be done. Eventually I push myself to go to the store but its very hard and I am very content to stay in my safe bubble but very lonely there. Simple things like having family visit can throw me into complete panic and overwhelm if I am not careful. I have to have time to process it and plan ahead or I will fall apart. I feel so stupid when these things happen because I know others don't struggle like this, but I do. I know what I can and cannot handle now that I am almost 40 and I am finally learning that is who I am and I am the only person who can protect me. It is okay if others don't believe it or understand. All I can control is me and do the best I can at keeping my shit together and not loosing it.

I used to be very active in church but the anxiety was still very much there. The worry that others were judging which they probably were. The paranoia of what to wear and how do I look and what do others think of me made me awkward in social settings but the part of me that wanted so badly to fit in and have fun felt isolated and alone. Church should be a welcoming place but it feels like its the most judged place there is honestly. What amazes me is seeing how God doesn't have to just use you in church. He will use you in the marketplace or wherever you are. Even as a stay at home mom, he is using you to raise up your children and they are watching you. They are learning from you. Even when you feel like you are a total screw up they are proud of you and idolize you. You are their momma.

I realize most people don't feel this way inside and don't worry about what others think, but I know there are a lot of people who do have deep roots of anxiety and depression and they feed off each other because of guilt. Knowing you have everything to be happy about yet you just aren't. You struggle with what to do because you want to live but don't want to be anxious so you stay home. Crying for absolutely no reason and feeling so guilty about it. Not wanting anyone around because you know you are sad, but feeling so lonely you just want someone to hold you. It is such a vicious cycle.

What I love is that this business that was shared with me over 4 years ago came at just the right time. My husband was deployed and I was a complete train wreck inside but had a smile on the outside for the world because they wouldn't understand. This business has stretched me, grown me, empowered me to believe in myself, to go to events, to travel, to engage and have an amazing time and push through the anxiety. I do my best to always make others feel loved and welcome so they never have to feel rejection and isolation. I want them to feel welcome.

As I write this I am doing really well managing my depression with working out daily and I surround myself with an encouraging network of like minded women; but, there are still days that come especially when really big stressful things happen. Maybe someone says something that hurts really bad and that just repeats over and over in your head and you just bash yourself for it. You focus on the negative even though you know you need to stop and remind yourself its not true. That you are worthy. That you are loved. That you are not those mean things that person said. It's a mental battle. Or when life throws a curveball and you feel so overwhelmed that you just cant even function. You are overwhelmed so instead of starting and taking care of it you just completely shut down and have an emotional break down. Thus feeling guilty because you know you need to stop the negative cycle but you can't. It's like you are walking a tight rope in life and the smallest thing can knock you off and you have to fight so much harder than the average person to get back up and get back on the tightrope. You are afraid to fight because you don't want to be hurt and you don't want to fall off again. You push people away and put up walls because you just cant take the pain of rejection and conflict because regular life is already overwhelming you and someone needing something from you is that one thing that makes you lose balance and you fall off again. You don't want to let the pain in so you use anger to protect yourself. You shut people who love you out because they are often the ones who can hurt you the most. They don't mean to do it, but we are so emotional and delicate yet on the outside i pretend to be strong and in control.

If any of this resonates within you and you feel you were destined for more. If you struggle with feeling lost, feeling anxious, feeling isolated and alone, please reach out to me. I am part of a community that has changed my whole world and given me purpose and hope and I would love to share it with you. I don't have it all together. I don't have the secret to live, but I do have more hope now and more joy than I ever have and I would love to share it with you. I do love my job and I love helping empower women to find themselves again and feel like they are a part of something amazing. I am good at what I do. I have to work harder because of these emotional struggles, but it's what makes me ME. My suffering has helped me to understand others who struggle too and so many struggle due to stress now. You don't have to do it alone.

And for those who don't understand and think I should take medication for the anxiety, trust me I have. If I felt they were helpful I would but they have all caused other issues like made me tired, made me a zombie, made me more crazy haha! etc. For now, I choose to be the best I can be and work through it on my own.

Follow me on Facebook if you can relate to anything in this post. I promise I am a good person. I am very real. 

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